I started allowing myself to dream of being a stay at home mom once my first child was born. I would rack my brain on how we could make it work and often would leave work as soon as possible just to get home to my baby. The years kept going and more babies were added in but I was still working full time in healthcare.
Somedays I held such resentment in my heart at my job and the world for not giving me more time at home with my babies. I wasn’t full of energy and balancing it all very well. Pregnant with my third, full time healthcare worker, wife, cook, maid, mom, grocery getter…you know all the things we as moms take on. Most days I was overwhelmed and angry…I wished I could find joy in the small tasks like Jesus but most days my heart just longed for a break.
Now don’t get me wrong life was precious as I watched my kids grow and seeing my husband as a dad was swoon worthy but when you can remember the fatigue you felt it can stick out to you more and remind you of how far you have came.
As I was approaching my 6 month in my third pregnancy my oldest daughter who was 3 was diagnosed with a terminal brain tumor. This completely changed our worlds. Our focus went to months of treatment away from home, me becoming a full time caretaker and no longer a full time employee. Our journey through brain cancer lasted 20 months when our then 5 year old daughter passed away.
We then entered the phase of life of “after” her. Nothing was the same, I was changed spiritually and emotionally and realized that I had been given my dream of being a SAHM. Guilt loved to consume me for ever having the thoughts I did, the wishes and longings I once had…but I never wanted that life change to come through the loss we experienced. But our hearts will always go down that guilt trip road to create road blocks keeping us from embracing a gift.
I found that grief wasn’t a straight path for any of us, my younger children really needed me in those weeks, months and years “after” to navigate their feelings and questions. I found myself with an urge to write, to inspire others, to give back in different ways…a mission to stay busy and consumed with working with my grief not against it. I found that balance and my marriage started taking twists and turns due to grief but we dove into real conversations that lead to a better understanding of how grief works differently in each person. We all learned more compassion and patience and how to be present in the moment more times than not.
Curve balls still come even when grief just struck you out. Financially we were starting to struggle which lead to me starting to work part time again and as much as I didn’t want to I knew I had to. I stepped back into the healthcare field but wasn’t fully aware of how it would affect me.
I found myself emotionally drained at the end of the day after seeing patients and items or scenarios that reminded me of our journey, the conversations I had to have repeatedly about myself and the taking on of other’s hardships took its toll on me. I found myself once again with that struggle of doing my duty for my family and my wishes of staying home. In my heart I knew that wasn’t Gods plan for me any longer but I had to hold on a little longer.
Time went on and of course a complete life change came again with my husband changing careers to something unfamiliar to us…him being away from home while I stayed home. Lots of travel for him with weeks or months away and my role started to really take shape. I felt called to travel with him by homeschooling our kids. A complete out of left field move for myself, something I never envisioned myself doing but God can put something in our heart because it’s His plan.
Now two years into our new lifestyle and a little over a year of homeschooling and I can say what a gift it has been. I know it’s a gift, a treasure for myself to disciple my kids and travel for work keeping our family together as much as possible. I could list all the ways we could do differently to make things easier on us financially and by worldly standards but I don’t believe we are called to be like the world.
Homemaking has been something I am embracing by learning so much about myself and the ways in which God will grow us, shape us, equip us for the times we are living in. Stepping into discipleship of our children to learning more DIY tricks and recipes…it’s all a gift. A gift not to be compared to worldly standards and judged because it’s a desire God can place in our hearts. The role of homemaker encases so much: wife, mom, best friend, caretaker, teacher. Each role and so many more than I can list bring such contentment in myself that I truly feel purposeful. Gods purpose for each of us may not happen instantly at the time in our life when we are told to know “what we want to be when we grow up”, sometimes it takes years of shaping, trials, hardships, failures and adventures before we are prepared to step into our purpose.
Never give up on following Gods lead even when derailment happens over and over. Embrace the journey and learn so when you do get to your purpose you truly know it’s what was meant to be. It’s always an adventure following Christ! Just look at me…a girl who used to hate cooking to learning how to make homemade laundry detergent at 37 years old and pregnant with her fourth after saying “no more kids”. God is an adventure!
